I remember how I felt when I recorded this video on December 30, 2019. I was in the bathroom in the back of my home, sitting on the floor, distraught from a miscarriage, the discard, the isolation, the pain, the confusion, the rape….I was a mess. I left my offender on March 15, 2019, the morning after he raped me, and what happened to me after that was nothing short of a miracle. The day I left, I was frightened, confused, and heartbroken, but I still loved the man who treated me less than human. I knew I needed to leave because I couldn’t imagine things improving, but just like many of you, I wanted to make sense of it and stay. Walking out of his door was one of the most courageous moves I’ve made for myself.
However, as the days passed, I struggled with the reality that someone I loved so much would not only rape me, but he acted as though I never existed, as he and everyone he knows (those whom I’ve met, and those whom I’ve never met) harassed me, smeared my name, and made fun of my pain. I was hurting beyond what I could put into words. I was all alone and I didn’t speak to anyone about my pain. I began to isolate myself, as I continued the cycle my abuser started. He was gone, and I was still ruminating and driving myself crazy with silence. This is why I will never be silent again.
I thought what others thought of me or felt about me was important and I questioned myself about many things I knew happened, but because of the way I was being treated, I was no longer confident in my reality. This is where abusers want you to be, in a state of confusion, because we often begin to act out in response to our trauma, and I did just that. I acted out in every desperate way possible until it became so unbearable that I forced myself to go to therapy.
The most difficult part of my journey was accepting the pain, honoring my experience, understanding the lesson, and forgiving my trespassers. I had to forgive so I could release myself from the snare. Otherwise, my abuser would have invaded my life for as long as I held on. Yes, it’s difficult to see them walk away freely, especially because you know who they really are, but God gave me real peace when I handed it over to Him. During the darkest moments of my journey, God was with me and He has been purifying my life since the day I let Him in.
So, to those of you who feel you’re not heard, I hear you, and others around you who need help are also listening. Those who made fun of your pain will have to answer to God for their behavior, and your abuser will have to answer for their behavior, but that’s between them and God. You’ve freed yourself through walking away and learning to let go of the pain that tried to bind your soul.
God bless you and keep you. Please know that you’re deserving of love and Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends (John 15:13). Christ loved you so much that He laid down His life so that you might live. Ruminating and wallowing in unforgiveness is not living. Please accept God’s gift of life and fly freely.