When I Was A Flying Monkey

There was a time when I was like a flying monkey, attempting to protect an abuser because I believed his lies about his ex-wife. My real purpose in reaching out to the abuser’s ex-wife was driven by a feeling that something was terribly wrong with how he treated his kids and her. However, I didn’t know how to directly ask her, ‘Does he have a history of abusing you and your children?’ Instead, I confronted her through social media (refer to the screenshots of our conversation below). I thought I was going to put her in her place, hoping it would improve the situation between the abuser and me. I was convinced he would become a better person if she would just stop whatever he claimed she was doing. However, things didn’t improve; they only worsened. Even two years after their divorce, he continually spoke negatively of her and perpetuated drama between her, their children, and me. I witnessed several instances where he called her a ‘bitch,’ even in front of his children, and demeaned her during phone calls (putting her on speakerphone). I despised it and asked him to be respectful, but I also struggled to accept the truth about him. He showed me who he truly was, and I, in my ignorance, protected an abusive man by attacking the victim. I could say he conditioned me to attack her, but the truth is, I don’t typically do things against my will. At that time, I simply wanted her to STOP. His behavior towards the mother of his children was utterly unacceptable from the start. Yet, she sometimes acted in ways that lent some credibility to his stories about her. Consequently, I often found myself torn between whether she deserved his treatment or not. Certain aspects of his narrative were verifiably true, except for the most critical parts, which were unequivocally false.

Derek shared these messages with me to triangulate me with his ex-wife. He treated her terribly and I knew eventually my day would come because an honorable man would never treat another human being so cruelly.

Although the abuser’s ex-wife did some things that seemed to support parts of his narrative about her, like not paying her rent and other financial agreements (he claimed she frequently forgot to pay bills, especially when he was away on military assignments, but he conveniently omitted that he was supposed to provide her the money), forgetfulness was not a justification for treating someone so poorly.

What initially deterred me from listening to his ex-wife (who tried to contact me a couple of times) was her very aggressive behavior towards me. She tried to forcefully initiate a conversation in a rude manner, accusing me of being unfriendly as if I owed her something. This led me to believe the abuser’s narrative, and it wasn’t until a year later that I pieced everything together. If you have the chance to warn a new person in such a situation, please avoid aggression. It only serves to push them closer to the abuser. Although it took me a year to process what his ex-wife told me, her words never left my mind. She confirmed his pattern of behavior, but since she withheld crucial information (like the beatings) until after I left him, I stayed a little longer than I should have, hoping he could change.

I wanted to see the good in someone who once told his ex-wife he wished she would die during surgery, who flew in to see his son born, then left her in the hospital because he doubted paternity, and who met other women at his mother’s house (a fact he accidentally revealed and then retracted). We must understand that not everyone has goodness within them. Some people are just plain evil and have a family willing to lie, cheat, and even harm for them. These people are extremely dangerous. Derek, the abuser, is a very dangerous person. I believed everything she told me and all the accidental negative things he said about himself, yet I stayed until I was also harmed in a way that will affect me for the rest of my life.

I didn’t tell his ex-wife that I believed her because I felt like an idiot for approaching her and was too prideful and ashamed to admit that I couldn’t change him. In the end, she sided with her abuser, further silencing her and her daughter’s voices (https://northofthefray.com/when-children-of-the-narcissist-attempt-to-speak-out), stuck in the trauma bond matrix. After she sided with him, he, as all narcissists do, used her one last time to join him in court against me to further isolate me. After her court appearance, he quickly moved someone else into his home within two weeks. Despite being discarded again, she continued to support his lie and led her daughter to believe there was a restraining order against me, even though she knew the truth.

I want you all to understand the importance of staying away. They will continue to harm you and do not love you or anyone else who follows, no matter how much you try to cover for them. It saddened me to see her side with him in the end because she had initially stood up for herself against me and exposed his behavior. Narcissists will manipulate everyone, trying to make you feel wrong for exposing them. STAY STRONG, FOLKS, AND KEEP EXPOSING!

Below is the FB conversation between the ex-wife and me. I initially believed his lies until they stopped adding up. I was fighting for TRASH, and today, I’m embarrassed by how I approached her. The coward I dated never once stepped in to clarify. Why not? Because narcissists don’t want you to reconcile. If you dislike each other, you won’t compare notes. I’ve learned to not believe anything I didn’t witness myself.