As I’m on this journey of letting go of pain, anger, and discouragement, my prayer in the midst of it all is “God, please don’t let go of my hand when I go underwater,” and then I closed my eyes as I felt myself sinking deeper and deeper into resentment and anger because I just couldn’t shake the feeling I have against evil people who seem to constantly escape the judgment they deserve. However, as I was sinking, I was reminded of how Christ didn’t hesitate to ignore the betrayal, the chatter, and lies from those on the sidelines and in his circle (Judas), instead, He stayed focused on His journey. He didn’t try to control what others thought about Him because He had absolutely nothing to prove, and He was confident the journey would lead Him straight to His purpose on the cross which would provide eternal life for the world, even those who slandered His name and betrayed Him.
My pastor spoke today about letting go of anger and not allowing it to take you off course. I fought against myself to hear the message, as I wiggled in my seat while part of me tried to avoid what I was hearing, and the other part knew I needed the message. It was during this moment that I realized God had been sinking into the depths of despair with me the whole time and He hadn’t let go of my hand. When I realized I was losing spiritual consciousness, God was there in the sunken place to pull me back up for air. He lifted my head up today and used my pastor to speak WORDS OF LIFE, and then I woke up. God performed CPR on my soul, refusing to let me die in the dark space. He gave me just enough words to revive my journey so He can continue the reconstruction of my mindset. As tears roll down my face while I type this post, I realize GOD NEVER LET GO OF MY HAND even when I just wanted to give up. And through all of the anger, doubt, fear, and loneliness, I still want to be more like Him.
“Feels like you’re in danger right now
Life got your back on the wall
Take everything or you’re wrong
Even when impossible
Feels like there’s no savior I know
Without a love and no hope
You’re in a world on your own
Seems like it’s impossible
Hold on, hold on, hold on
It’s about the journey”
I would like to add one more thing, while driving home from church today, I was listening to Lecrae’s song “It’s About the Journey,” and the lyrics above hit me hard, but also nourished my soul as I continue to wrestle with the snake known as anger. This snake recently reminded me it was still there waiting to take me out as it reared its ugly head when the guy who raped me showed up at an event I was at. In the moment of seeing my offender face to face every ounce of anger I thought I had resolved came rushing over me like a tsunami and overwhelmed my mind and heart in seconds. He was there just to let me know he was still watching me and there was nothing I could do about it. Feeling powerless threw me into a slight depression, and if that wasn’t enough, I was also being attacked by yet another person who believes the lies this guy spreads around about me. The journey is rough, y’all. The journey is dangerous, y’all. BUT, the journey is not impossible. I’m learning what it really means when Christ said through Him ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE (Philippians 4:11-13), so I’m pushing forward as I learn how to let go, ignore the chatter, and not give any of my attention to the things and people that come to steal my joy. I now understand the importance of standing firm in peace (Ephesians 6), while using the tools God equipped me with. I can now fight the right way, the way that will hopefully bring salvation to those who watch the battle from the sidelines and those who position themselves as my enemies. I’m not perfect, but I do want to be more like Christ and I can’t do much of anything in my own strength, therefore, I’ll hold God’s hand until I get home to Heaven. ALL PRAISE TO GOD!